Once again I have allowed myself to get all excited by the hype in the build up to the Oscars and as they have neglected to invite me I decided to hold my own ceremony at home.
First I put on my suit and ordered a taxi to pick me up from my house, drive around the block then pull up at the bottom of my drive. Ignoring the driver's quizzical look I got out of the cab smiling and waving. Unfortunately as the Oscars are shown live over here in the UK it's the early hours of the morning so there were no people to wave at, just a cat sat on a fence and fox trotting past.
'Hi, how are you', I said to the cat, ' My suit? Oh that came from Burton's Menswear. No my lovely wife won't be joining me this evening as she is getting up for work in a few hours and thinks I'm mental for doing this'.
The cat then wandered off, no doubt to interview another celeb.
I walked up my garden path, smiling and waving at the plants and made a grand entrance through my front door. Inside was a lavish Oscar banquet consisting of Spam sandwiches (with brown sauce), a bottle champagne I'd got for ten quid after Valentines Day and a bag of pickled onion flavour Monster Munch that I'd tipped into a bowl.
So then it was time to dim the lights, stick on the telly and let the award ceremony begin.
Two hours later and I'm pissed on cheap champagne and covered in Monster Munch crumbs. It had all gone a bit blurry and I was bored of watching people clapping and waving statues about and saying thank you.
Here are my Oscar highlights for the evening.
Christian Bale went through his award presentation looking like he wanted to punch somebody and spoke in a weird Cockney accent, even though he is Welsh. Maybe he has done so much method acting he no longer remembers what he sounds like in real life.
Chris Rock's hair made him look a bit like Tetsuo from the anime classic Akira and during his presentation speech he managed to remind us once again that he is black. Congratulations on that.
Brad Pitt is still going through his surfer dude phase and Angelina Jolie looks like a ghost train skeleton in a wig and lipstick.
The whole thing was hosted seamlessly by Billy Crystal although for some reason his Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close gag fell flat. I though it was pretty funny.
I don't know why I allow myself to get caught up in the hype, the whole thing is a luvvie fest and I hardly ever watch the films that are nominated. I would't get excited about a 'Best Heating System Installation' category at an award ceremony for plumbers so why care about the Oscars?
But for one night only I was part of the glamorous world of movie stars and all in the privacy of my own living room, until I changed the channel and watched Under Siege starring Steven Seagal.
He never got an Oscar.
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